When I was laying in ICU, I remember the feeling that I could be dying especially when I saw the tapestry of my life in me. I had to stand back and view the threads to see the colors and emotionally feel the satin threads woven together. People were there but only in colors no faces. My kids and other loves of my life were bright and very distinct. The weird thing is my husband of 23 years and truthfully my companion and the keeper of my secrets, the witness of my adult life was not in the tapestry. The other day, I went to lunch with my friend Doreen (a bit clairvoyant) and she suggested that Jerry wasn’t there because he was beside me? I don’t know where he was but I am assuming he was by my side walking me Home. Because it’s was weird that he was the only one missing. The tapestry had no particular pattern but I could feel the unconditional love looking at this with me. Since the tapestry of all time has already been woven there was no room for changes or regrets just the reality of life as it is. So acceptance was what I needed to bring into reality. It was scary to see my past in all its glory. But once I let it go I received what was truly mine to bring with me. I now have complete responsibility for my life shall I make it thru the night. I did not see a light to follow like I heard I would but my visions were very clear and spoke to me. The irony was that at that moment I felt oddly alive. Keeping this death at arms length it occurred to me that so many people can’t embrace life due to this fear. If I make it I will embrace life for me and others. I will no longer fear getting older, I will embrace my lumps and bumps, when I’m overweight I will still try to FEEL good even if nobody appreciates that boldness. My body has been a temple of three humans, feed three babies, cut 3 times to bore these humans, cancer, stroke, and falls, burns, and so on. I am proud of my body my although it may not be the typical sexually attractive body it has served me well. I will give my love without concern for age or degree but only to a man that treats me with the respect and admiration I deserve. The deliciousness of each day will make me feel alive without my ego getting in the way. I no longer live with any fear nor in the past or future just the moment and soak it all in. I am a bit impulsive in my thoughts thou. I maybe too late for this revelation but I hope to reach others that are not. I sometimes think I don’t deserve love in fact that letting love in may make me weak in some way. I’ll work on that too. My life and now near death have been full and I am embracing all that I can do to continue my happiness.

My friends and occasionally my family feel that they dread death because they do not embrace nature, I guess. Death is natural and I am proud of my life and welcome my threats to the end of my time on earth. I shall be buried or spread in ashes so I hope people morn the loss with gratefulness for one lesson/purpose I shared.

So I am trying to keep my heart open which is a freakin job and a half. My heart swings back and forth between come here and love me but then my mind will reject what my heart craves. They argue constantly. I then run if possible these days running is more difficult these days physically but emotionally it’s easy. Lol. I am new at this new me and I wonder if things will change but for now I’m satisfied with living each day with a hope for tomorrow.