I was at a gathering of 60-70 somethings and the topic of aging gracefully came up. One person said the only thing that was for sure, was death. Another said she just wanted to have some fun now that she was retired, others talked about acceptance and of course the subject of religion and beliefs were weaved into just everyone’s narrative in one way or another. As my face looked all sour and confused I finally spoke up. (you’ve seen this look) You see, to me aging is something I have done for over 6 decades. Why all of a sudden would it have to be graceful and why because I’m aging does it matter? But clearly that is me, and I guess I am the soul survivor of this thing. Death is for sure? Forget that life is for sure!!! Not death, if you woke up, damn it, go out and live it. Tell someone how great they look, how a friend or family made you feel when they called, skip out the door, breath in the cold air of winter or walk barefoot in the spring grass, smell the ocean on a hot summer day, watch the trees in fall showing us how strong roots can be, whatever it is live it and make it count. I think acceptance should not even be in your negative area of vocabulary. You’ve had a good many years to accept your age or situation. I was taught to suck it up and move on. I have lived my life that way and that’s how I deal with ups and downs. You may not of had my experiences but you can feel good about your life’s work. Home, family, work whatever just embrace yourself and stop making life harder than it should be. The only place the past is in your mind so you must try to control your mind not the events. They are over.
Listening to others I realized that some of the people who are struggling with the grace are doing so because they stop being authentic with their selves. They live life via likes or comparisons maybe on Facebook/media, they think and think logically over every little thing.
My near Death brought context to my life I lay in a hospital ICU bed with family and friends from both my past and my present around me and although fear was also present I felt unconditional love all around me. I didn’t care about anything but that love for me. Nobody cared about my looks, my attitude, my inabilities, nor my giving of myself (positivity was replaced by truth). I watched everyone without a word or gesture. No thank you, no shyness about my body misfunctions, no worries about being strong for others, no pride, none of the daily habits I was used to performing just total peace of unconditional love surrounded me. As my kids emptied my bedpan, showered me, and lended me their arm for balance.
Well I know I have a brain injury but crap it has also allowed me to feel instead of thinking logically about ever move or decision. Feel it with your heart not your head that my friend is what graceful is.
I believe one word is under appreciated these days. Sometimes is this word.
Sometimes you shouldn’t try to stop things from happening. Sometimes you should just feel awkward, Sometimes you need to be vulnerable in order to move to the next part of who you are.
Sometimes you fail sometimes you win.
What makes you age? To me it is worry. Worry is a chain of negative thoughts. Sometimes (see what I did there) without data. It is based upon your need for control or having self pity. You can not ever control anyone else’s emotions but you can control your own. But first you must be connected to your own emotions. If I asked a room full of people to write down the emotions that they recognize in the their self. Most would have 3. Happiness, sadness and anger. If that is all you readily recognize you will always only recognize those in others. If you see a adult throw a book across the room. It will not always be what you feel. “They are angry”. There could be over 50 emotions that they are dealing with but you look at it from your assumptions. And yes sometimes shame but we will talk about shame later. Believe me you can be triggered but you can never walk in someone’s shoes. Meaningful connections only come to life when you are connected to your own emotions.
The first is: vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous., I’m not a trained therapist, — how many of you honestly, when you’re thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable think, “I don’t want to appear weak/insecure but …” Now let me ask you this question:, when I say vulnerability, who thought it was pure courage? Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I’ve come to the belief — that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage — to be vulnerable, to let us be honest with ourselves.
To me vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.To really finally understanding the relationship between vulnerability and courage, the second thing I learned, is this: We have to talk about shame. To be honest:. When I became a “vulnerability” I had to accept being shamed.
I’m so worn out at this point in my life, I look at myself and I actually say, “Knowing that I was falling apart and it feels fantastic.'”
There’s a great quote that saved me this past year by Theodore Roosevelt. A lot of people refer to it as the “Man in the Arena” quote. And it goes like this: “It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he’s in the arena, at best, he wins, and at worst, he loses,but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly.”
I’m going to say this,” shame is the curse who says, “Uh, uh.You’re not good enough. You never finished that MBA. Your marriage failed, you have habits that are juvenile, you know those things that happened to you growing up? That voice in your head. You don’t think that you’re pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough. I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO.” Shame is that thing
It is by gender. If shame washes over me and washes over My son, it’s not going to feel the same.Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame. We’re pretty sure that the only people who don’t experience shame are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy. Which means, yes, I have a little shame. So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame. Shame feels the same for men and women, but it’s organized by gender.
You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear,I’ll show you a woman who’s done incredible work. You show me a man who can sit with a woman who’s just had it, she can’t do it all anymore, and his first response is not, “Ill unloaded the dishwasher!” Ok that is a bit of an exaggeration but I’m trying to make a point.
If we’re going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy’s the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it cant survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too. Welcome to the roaring 20’s.
I never really was big on mirrors. Always feeling inadequate in one way or another when the looking glass told my truth.
Leslie has been traveling all over the world for years, Patti has kicked back to try to reconnect with her family. Experiencing the birth of her first granddaughter, Genevieve who is just the love of her life. A few months later her son Montana gets married.
BOOM-A-RANG MOM 