Why yes (laughs) I have been for many years!!! But not in the traditional way. I have been fortunate enough to be loved many times over my life time and also not to be loved many times in my life. I will never be envious of young love i used to love fully but today fully has a whole new meaning.

In the beginning the way a friend loves you and encourages you to be you, having your back when no one is looking and making you feel better about yourself and providing you with the truth I believe this when you find out HOW to love someone outside of your brothers, sisters and other family members which is conditional vs the unconditional nature of family.

Then the stages of love: your first love that helps you weed out the things you want and don’t want in a relationship, mostly superficial as they are what define you as a girl not a women. Then the one that makes you feel smothered and alone at the same time or the one that is so much like you that you say what the hell am I doing?, and the emotionally unavailable one, and the most popular bad boy of course. Cuz you want to fix that don’t ya? And of course the ones that love you more than you want them to love. Just not ready for that intensity.

Then came the one man you marry cuz you can’t see life without them, that is the one that sticks longest. I had that one give me the kids that ran into my arms daily and stored all my memories and he witnessed my life as an adult. This was my ex husband Jerry. Jerry and I were the perfect couple in many ways we always seemed to have it together then stress came into play. He couldn’t handle it, so i took it on, I got tired of handling it when I got cancer and he had no clue what to do except for ask if i needed a ride to my appointments so…I gave up on that. The one thing that never has died is our respect for each other. We still respect and care for each other even though our marriage ended our relationship is respected. We have history that no one else can replay.

I hate any relationship that creates stress. So now i am in love with myself. yup i said it. I am happy to be alone most of the time, i look in the mirror and say what the hell i am freakin 60 and look as expected,pretty good, feel AOK, and have a ton to offer the world. How much better does it get? My heart is wide open to change and love as long as it does not require me to deal with negative people! I love people that keep a smile on their face. I additionally am a grown women and can have anything I want. Yet I havent found a flirty guy that also has a deep side to him. It takes intelligence and confidence too. I go on dates and yawn by the end of the night. My friend Paulette and I used to belt out the song 50 ways to leave your lover in the car. And here we are 40 years later still singing the song. People have said I’m emotionally unavailable but I think I’m more of an emotionally charged runner. If someone goes too fast I must slow it down and sometimes I run the other way. Like if someone says something stupid like I love you, I could run unless I’m hooked. I also believe that I like the hunt, I know that’s just weird as a grown women but I want to be needed not necessary loved.

Turned 50 and meet Richard who was a grown up love. He listened to my stories as I narrated them and he didn’t judge. He was truthfully in love with me and when we broke up he was pretty upset. He wanted marriage but I could not see myself as the Brady bunch mom and having a cop for a husband at this time in my life. It wasn’t right for me. Although he was the first person to come to the ICU to see me a few years later. His kids were teens mine were heading off to college, bills, tuition, weddings, relationships, drinking (kids and us), all this stuff was That was broken up by stress too. Are you sensing a pattern here? The feeling I had at the end of this relationship was “Do I”. Luke Bryan. 🎼🎸

So today i am a work in progress and do not need confirmation from anyone but myself. I now know what my faults are. I can be toxic as can anyone in my life. It does take two. I reflect on my personal traits and usually fully understand my wants and needs. I am not fully aware of what I want from a partner at this stage in life but I am trying to process the current needs vs the past needs. They argue at times. But I’ll keep working on it.

I was sitting with a glass of wine with Lynn last night. And I talked about the few relationships in which I got hooked. Common f denominator was words. I meet Jerry and he wrote me for two months before I moved to California. Richard I meet online so we chatted for months on AOL before we actually meet. Now it’s Stephen who I meet and we messaged for months with a question of the day etc. his words have got me interested.

I often think I can’t handle a relationship with anyone yet but I know it would be a good thing someday. I don’t want to ask permission to do things, i won’t ask if I look okay in these jeans cuz I know if I do (if you have to ask you don’t). I am in love with life all of it the ups and downs, the new loves of my grandchildren, The redefined love for my children and letting go of people who have another agenda that I don’t choose to follow. Trust and loyalty (respectfully speaking) are still my foundation for relationships. If you don’t know how to be loyal you will not be in my life for long.

I hear you want honesty…So here goes. I am not impressed by your good looks, money, social status, job title. I do care how you treat people everyday. I will not respond to pick up lines. I am a freakin lady and have been thru most relationship phases. You don’t need to be anything but yourself. The same goes for me, I will never ask you if I look alright, cuz “I got this”. I am looking for someone with some substance who is honest enough with themselves to still have some passion for life and want to make the most of it. So go ahead and tell me honestly what you think. No BS. A sense of humor to me is someone who can laugh at themselves and life. Not someone who jokes around. My hope is that your ok with making family a high priority, and your friends can always count on you. I have plenty of friends and so unless you bring something new to that table I probly wouldn’t make room. I don’t have baggage but I do have life experiences and have learned how to be a good and kind person. I have been humbled by life lessons. Let’s face it we all are ready to go into a new phase of life with ending our careers, children moving on, and friends that we have watched come and go. Let’s have some adult fun! Did I mention that my filter is no longer as strong as it used to be. Lol

I clearly don’t use dating sites any longer I prefer a natural meet. But it floors me as to how many men will reach out with a profile like that! I’m an open book but they are obviously illiterate.

I do hope someday I will meet someone who will accept me as I am. Hold my hand and walk me into a love that we both can feel proud of. Someday … I will find someone who will take the effort to understand who I am, with compassion to ease the pain life deals, share in joy.

So I was with Jerry helping him for a moment. He was thankful. Walked me to my car and said. “I am so lucky that you still are the love of my life”. Couldn’t believe my ears. I got in my car and cried tears of gratitude. I was someone’s world at times. That day it was actually said out loud. I think he said it, which gave me a sign (per Poo) that I deserve love and to be someone’s love of their life. But for now I’ll settle and try yo figure out how yo leave that relationship eventually.

Lastly for me i do love strong men but also ones that treat me as their equal intellectually and otherwise. Someone who will love me so I feel free not only on the outside but inside too.